i have been writing a lot more this week than i have in a long time (abstract, consciousness article for michigan alumnus, this thing i potentially want to submit to jama). it gets me thinking: why do i constantly identify myself as a journalist/writer? is it something i like to do or is it something i imagine that i like to do because it gives me something to talk about? because there is this incredible agony associated with writing stuff, which i do not enjoy. also often i feel like i am not perfectionist enough to truly create things i am proud of, so i kind of just submit stuff when the deadline appears
to some extent i have gotten *over* the idea of myself as a physician-writer. i believe there are many more things i am enamored with such as being a small business owner or engaging in some kind of social justice initiative, and the life of a writer is isolating, frustrating, and fundamentally unsatisfying to me. not to mention that i am not super fantastic at writing and i never am able to articulate exactly what i want to say. but i do like it sometimes, if i can bring myself to write stuff in the short window i actually feel passionate about something
other stray thoughts:
- sometimes i feel like i am biologically incapable of having fun. even the times when i go out/drink more than 2 drinks i inevitably fall asleep, as if my body knows that the world is too much for me
- i really want to develop my skills to the point where i can connect with everyone on the level that they deserve. i want to be the kind of person who cuts through the small talk and brings the conversation to the level where both people are invested in what they have to say
- i am so, so interested in everything. very few things bore me except myself and things that remind me of myself
i think at some point during the summer I convinced myself that i did not enjoy writing, that the labor and time put into it was fundamentally unsatisfying and isolating. but what am i talking about? i love writing. i love expressing my ideas. i love looking back on a thought and think, i really understand this aspect of the world.
hello! I haven’t written on this thing for a long time. I would like to. this is a reminder to myself that I will.
this year is the year I promise to not let med school consume me. I am a person with a variety of interests, many of which do not pertain to health care, and I hope to learn more about the world and how people interact + live in it. illness is not everything. in life there is also art, language, deception, wealth disparity, technology, business, emotion.
Day 320 : Bee hummingbird - the smallest bird in the world. Happy birthday Lyndi! 19 x 19 mm. #365paintingsforants #miniature #watercolor #bee #hummingbird #green (at Vredehoek)
Letters to the editor. Nice kicker.
I really really like Firecracker
I also like firecrackers
(this is not a poem)
back to tumblr! holiday breaks always make me very introspective, as do new years and new experiences. I tell myself often that the reason why I don’t write as much anymore is because I am busy and go to school, however this is a lie. if I really wanted to write I would find a way because writing = feelings and feelings = life. I am just lazy and bad at culling my life into digestible tumblr snippets
a few things I have been thinking about:
- med school - I think I was very emotionally affected by it in the beginning about the loss of autonomy and I am still kind of eh about the dehumanization of medical education, but I’ve gradually settled into a groove where I don’t have to think about med school all the time and compromise my individual goals. now, anatomy lab is a different story, but I have not fully processed that yet
- HIGH SCHOOL. I do not know why I am still so fixated by this time in my life. but also I remember moments from high school more vividly than most other ones in my life. Tavi Gevinson put it really well on this Editor’s Letter about the “forever” we experience during the ages of 13 to 17 in friendships and love, which is not really forever but feels like forever because it’s the freshest, purest distillation of being a human being and just existing. (speaking of which, Tavi is just the greatest. I will never live up to the wisdom and self-awareness of a 17-year-old.) I also now realize I am old enough to have a perspective on my past decisions and relationships and how other people in my life might have seen these events differently, which makes me feel….old.
- I spoke at a scholarship event for high school students a few weeks ago, and it occurred to me how…fuckable the senior high school girls were. (jailbait) how smooth and white their skin was, how bendable their figures, how shiny their hair. to be 18 is a treasure not fully embraced by those who are 18, but obsessed over by those who are not. because it is also at that age where one has the lowest self-esteem. it’s funny that once you gain some kind of perspective of your beauty you’ve already started your path down the road to deterioration. there seems to be an inverse relationship between physical appearance and age + self esteem.
- I feel like my relationship with my parents has changed significantly over the past couple of years. My dad is starting to have conversations with me that have the simultaneous sheen of gratification and uncomfortability
- Outlook is a truly terrible email client and I feel physically nauseous when I have to use it for too long. arrrrgh PHI!