hello! I haven’t written on this thing for a long time. I would like to. this is a reminder to myself that I will.
this year is the year I promise to not let med school consume me. I am a person with a variety of interests, many of which do not pertain to health care, and I hope to learn more about the world and how people interact + live in it. illness is not everything. in life there is also art, language, deception, wealth disparity, technology, business, emotion.
Day 320 : Bee hummingbird - the smallest bird in the world. Happy birthday Lyndi! 19 x 19 mm. #365paintingsforants #miniature #watercolor #bee #hummingbird #green (at Vredehoek)
Letters to the editor. Nice kicker.
I really really like Firecracker
I also like firecrackers
(this is not a poem)
back to tumblr! holiday breaks always make me very introspective, as do new years and new experiences. I tell myself often that the reason why I don’t write as much anymore is because I am busy and go to school, however this is a lie. if I really wanted to write I would find a way because writing = feelings and feelings = life. I am just lazy and bad at culling my life into digestible tumblr snippets
a few things I have been thinking about:
- med school - I think I was very emotionally affected by it in the beginning about the loss of autonomy and I am still kind of eh about the dehumanization of medical education, but I’ve gradually settled into a groove where I don’t have to think about med school all the time and compromise my individual goals. now, anatomy lab is a different story, but I have not fully processed that yet
- HIGH SCHOOL. I do not know why I am still so fixated by this time in my life. but also I remember moments from high school more vividly than most other ones in my life. Tavi Gevinson put it really well on this Editor’s Letter about the “forever” we experience during the ages of 13 to 17 in friendships and love, which is not really forever but feels like forever because it’s the freshest, purest distillation of being a human being and just existing. (speaking of which, Tavi is just the greatest. I will never live up to the wisdom and self-awareness of a 17-year-old.) I also now realize I am old enough to have a perspective on my past decisions and relationships and how other people in my life might have seen these events differently, which makes me feel….old.
- I spoke at a scholarship event for high school students a few weeks ago, and it occurred to me how…fuckable the senior high school girls were. (jailbait) how smooth and white their skin was, how bendable their figures, how shiny their hair. to be 18 is a treasure not fully embraced by those who are 18, but obsessed over by those who are not. because it is also at that age where one has the lowest self-esteem. it’s funny that once you gain some kind of perspective of your beauty you’ve already started your path down the road to deterioration. there seems to be an inverse relationship between physical appearance and age + self esteem.
- I feel like my relationship with my parents has changed significantly over the past couple of years. My dad is starting to have conversations with me that have the simultaneous sheen of gratification and uncomfortability
- Outlook is a truly terrible email client and I feel physically nauseous when I have to use it for too long. arrrrgh PHI!
STAR JAWS. Just when you thought it was safe to go into outer space.
I…do not update this but here are a few stray observations of my present life
- I cannot write personal narrative because I do not like to commit to my feelings. I think that is why I prefer journalism
- apparently making a living as a writer is real, doable thing, albeit a meager one
- when a tragedy befalls a family it’s funny how many things stay routine, with only an undercurrent of disnormalcy seeping in once in a while
- I am a generalist
- it always throws me when I come across the online persona of someone I know in real life, whether through a blog, art portfolio, pinterest, literary collection, etc. sometimes there is such a mismatch between Internet and real life that it causes me to seriously reevaluate my opinions of that person (not necessarily negatively)
- there are some people who I cannot for the life of me connect with on a real level past conversations of the small talk variety. I think this is more of a me thing than anybody else’s fault
- 22 is officially the age of an adult, and though I feel pretty much the same way I’ve always felt since I was a fully formed human, sometimes I do feel very…old
- I have never felt very comfortable sharing specific, intimate details about my life, and as I’ve grown older I think I’ve become even more enclosed
- this is a ridiculously navel-gazey post. sorry to anybody who is reading this. I was just sick of staring at that picture of edie sedgwick