i just got back from New Zealand and am still acclimating to time differences? for the past few days i’ve been waking up at 6am, getting sleepy at 2, sleeping until 7pm, do legitimate work, then go to sleep at 3am. you develop a particularly peculiar circadian rhythm when you’re recovering from a country that is 16 hours ahead.
it is so, so difficult to reflect on anything when traveling, i’ve realized - especially if you’re never 100% alone. your days are basically reduced to: wake up, microwave tupperwared lunch, plan for the day, do the stuff, arrive late at hostel, cook dinner + lunch for next day, go to bed. on the road you have these long stretches of time where conversation starts earnestly about life, values, boys, etc. but eventually peters out to exclamations about the scenery - not because we’ve run out of things to say but because it is exhausting talking about exhausting things. when you meet strangers you chat about what you did that day and what you have planned for the next. random observation: there’s a lot of germans in NZ
airplanes. not good. spent three consecutive days shuttling from port to port (Christchurch, Auckland, LA, Minneapolis) and my conclusion is that all of them are terrible. i think of that piece by pico iyer, the “airports are microcosms of the city they belong to, but they are also microcosms of themselves” one, and I wish I could think like him, but I must say I do not experience the romance/haziness/ennui of Iyer in airports. i just feel tired.
camera - I fell on top of mine and destroyed it irrecoverably. freud would say I did it on purpose. I would not refute this statement; visual images are pale imitations of the real thing!
car - this broke too, in the most ridiculous/dangerous fashion possible. but amy got travel tips from the police officer writing up the ticket so, you know, not a complete disaster. thank goodness we got insurance. also, learned what a parking brake is
i think ???? that I want to live in telluride house (?????)
but i like the location of my apartment so, so much
tavi gevinson’s vogue feature is suuuuuuch a dreeeeaaaaam
- why is introversion so hip right now? even people who are clearly not introverted are jumping on the isolation bandwagon
- I need to stop judging international students from Asia
- driving is literally the worst form of transportation in the universe. walking »> subway > bus > biking > train »> plane > car
- you can always tell who is studying for boards because they spontaneously emit factoids about disease and physiology in small group when they previously had not
- beach house = best house
i have been writing a lot more this week than i have in a long time (abstract, consciousness article for michigan alumnus, this thing i potentially want to submit to jama). it gets me thinking: why do i constantly identify myself as a journalist/writer? is it something i like to do or is it something i imagine that i like to do because it gives me something to talk about? because there is this incredible agony associated with writing stuff, which i do not enjoy. also often i feel like i am not perfectionist enough to truly create things i am proud of, so i kind of just submit stuff when the deadline appears
to some extent i have gotten *over* the idea of myself as a physician-writer. i believe there are many more things i am enamored with such as being a small business owner or engaging in some kind of social justice initiative, and the life of a writer is isolating, frustrating, and fundamentally unsatisfying to me. not to mention that i am not super fantastic at writing and i never am able to articulate exactly what i want to say. but i do like it sometimes, if i can bring myself to write stuff in the short window i actually feel passionate about something
other stray thoughts:
- sometimes i feel like i am biologically incapable of having fun. even the times when i go out/drink more than 2 drinks i inevitably fall asleep, as if my body knows that the world is too much for me
- i really want to develop my skills to the point where i can connect with everyone on the level that they deserve. i want to be the kind of person who cuts through the small talk and brings the conversation to the level where both people are invested in what they have to say
- i am so, so interested in everything. very few things bore me except myself and things that remind me of myself
i think at some point during the summer I convinced myself that i did not enjoy writing, that the labor and time put into it was fundamentally unsatisfying and isolating. but what am i talking about? i love writing. i love expressing my ideas. i love looking back on a thought and think, i really understand this aspect of the world.
hello! I haven’t written on this thing for a long time. I would like to. this is a reminder to myself that I will.
this year is the year I promise to not let med school consume me. I am a person with a variety of interests, many of which do not pertain to health care, and I hope to learn more about the world and how people interact + live in it. illness is not everything. in life there is also art, language, deception, wealth disparity, technology, business, emotion.